01 Oct A breakthrough way to prosper in love and relationships with ADHD
TL;DR:
‘Attachment theory’ explains how many of the most difficult relationship challenges we face are wired into our nervous systems in infancy. As many as 90% of people with ADHD have ‘insecure’ attachment patterns, which wreak havoc in our intimate relationships. The good news? There’s a new, highly effective way to heal, allowing us to experience love like never before. It’s called The Ideal Parent Figure Protocol.
I know it sounds too good to be true, but there really is a way to overcome one of the biggest barriers to happy, healthy relationships with (or without) ADHD.
Let me explain. But first, a vulnerable share…
I’ve had a rocky time getting back into dating after a looooong break. I was over the moon when I met someone special, and it didn’t take long before we had a beautiful connection. I hadn’t felt those feels in such a very long time.
But, as has happened over and over in my lifetime, our collective stuff meant that we barely got to enjoy it before it was over.
Thankfully, as I navigated this roller-coaster, I remembered learning about attachment theory in my past soul-searching. With some (careful) help from AI, I quickly made sense of exactly what was going on. Turns out, that despite being in a really good place for a long time, some of my deepest inner work is yet to happen.
Most importantly, I can finally see a very bright light at the end of the tunnel for me in love! I have found a type of therapy that actually heals attachment challenges. It essentially rewires your nervous system for love, or in other words, for secure attachment.
And — get this — it doesn’t involve much talking about or revisiting the past!
How our attachment styles form
In a nutshell, when tiny humans don’t experience steady, safe love, their brains wire for more of the same. Those early patterns don’t just vanish. They follow us into adulthood, shaping how safe or unsafe closeness feels.
It’s staggering that due to what happens in infancy, instead of providing comfort, relationships can trigger anxiety, the need for distance, or sometimes a mix of both.
While some people do find healthy, happy relationships despite these tendencies, it’s rare because our nervous systems are literally wired differently from people with a ‘secure’ attachment style.
Insecure attachment is not always as obvious as mine — I’ve really struggled to have relationships at all except on a few occasions. Many people with insecure attachment styles are married or in long-term relationships, however they may experience a classic ‘push-pull’ dance of intimacy that causes conflict. Or one partner may feel they compromise a lot more when it comes to having their needs met.
There are 3 types of insecure attachment:
Anxiously attached (or ambivalent) people are desperate for intimacy, and when they make close connections, their nervous system expects to be abandoned, which tragically, very often ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Avoidantly attached (or dismissive) people push intimacy away because their nervous system makes it feel dangerous to get too close, leading to behaviours that sabotage connection over and over.
And some people have a combination of these styles — a disorganised (or fearful) attachment style — so that they both crave and fear intimacy.
And the cherry on the icing on the cake? We are very often attracted to people with the exact opposite insecure attachment style. This can, not surprisingly, lead to heartache over and over again as it has for me.
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Attachment and ADHD
I’ll get to the good news in a moment. But first, the bad news: people with ADHD are much more likely to show insecure attachment patterns.
Research shows that between 70–90% of people with ADHD experience insecure attachment patterns compared to about 40% for neurotypicals. So, as you can see, insecure attachment is super common!
The reasons why it’s even more common for us are too complex to cover here, but it’s clear that ‘attachment disturbances’ are an incredibly important factor playing into why so many of us experience so much turmoil in our relationships, and especially our most intimate ones.
The good news
I’m pleased to say that all the work I’ve done over the years really has paid off. I handled myself pretty ‘securely’ this time — I didn’t spiral like I once would have, and that’s huge! (OK, I did lose my sh*t once, but I made amends pretty much straight away, so that’s something…)
But here’s the part that gives me so much hope — in my quest for learning how to overcome my anxious attachment style, I discovered a science-backed way to actually heal insecure attachment!
The Ideal Parent Figure Protocol
Until now, healing attachment disturbances has involved years of traditional therapy, if you were lucky enough to find a great therapist who specialised in attachment. Even then, it seems the nervous system may not have healed to the same extent.
The ‘hypervigilance’ (anxious attachment style) and ‘deactivation’ (avoidant attachment style) that our nervous systems experience would likely have persisted to a large extent. The Ideal Parent Figure protocol changes this. Here’s a snapshot of how it works.
At its core, the protocol involves a guided meditation practice where you imagine being cared for by perfectly safe, steady, and loving ‘ideal parents.’ Amazingly, it was inspired by Buddhist practices — a Tibetan Buddhist Master brought this wisdom to the protocol.
With my background in teaching mindfulness, this fits so well with how I understand our minds. (If you’d like to dig into this more, I’ve included a link to a great podcast about this below. It’s so interesting!)
It’s still by no means a quick fix, but it takes way less time to see real results than conventional therapy, according to some excellent quality early research and loads of anecdotal evidence.
At the time of writing this, I’ve been doing the guided practice for about six weeks, and I can already see that it is having a profound impact on how I’m experiencing dating. And this is just the beginning!
Healing insecure attachment means those of us who have always struggled in love can heal at the deepest level and finally create loving, happy, healthy relationships. For so many of us with ADHD, and for anyone who has only experienced love as fraught, this is beyond priceless.
Disclaimer: I’m including some resources for you to be able to explore the ideal parent figure protocol, but please be aware:
The guided practice is supposed to be used as part of a comprehensive treatment plan with a qualified therapist. Doing the practice on your own can stir up difficult emotions and isn’t recommended, especially when complex trauma or significant mental health issues are present.
Resources to Explore
Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair — If you’re like me and like the whole story and to go straight to the source, this audiobook is an incredible textbook for clinicians to be able to use the protocol with their patients.
Podcast: How Ideal Parent-Figure Protocol Works with Attachment Repair — An exploration of the intersection of attachment theory and Buddhist meditation for long-term healing.
Finally, if you are serious about healing insecure attachment, here is a link to a conversation on Reddit that includes many recommended therapists. (Please note that some of the recommendations are for coaches, not therapists.)
I hope with all my heart that this info is as helpful to you as is has been to me as I continue to heal.
Here’s to a future of happy, healthy, loving relationships for us all!
